As a liberal residing in a wealthy coastal city, it struck me that while I may find a Trump presidency horrifying, in all likelihood it won’t affect me materially. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have wished Trump on anybody, even those who voted for him. It got me thinking, though—what will I do now that he’s President?

Of course, while the former working class raises rabbits in their backyards for food, foraging in the nightmare hellscape of Trump USA™, I’ll be safe in Manhattan. What? You thought we were only building one wall?

Outside of the coastal fortresses highwaymen will run rampant, sacking post industrial cities like greased up leather vikings. They’ll be driving 1980s A-Team vans and Plymouth Dusters with machine gun turrets. I assume their haircuts will be terrifying. Plan accordingly.

I have a plan of my own. I am not ashamed to admit that some of it involves rubbing your nose in the huge mistake you’ve made. That goes for you too, third party voters.

In order:

  • Figure out how much I save with the tax cuts for top earners. Spend that money vacationing on the island only rich people know about
  • Return to Manhattan to watch poor people literally kill each other for money at Madison Square Garden because we will have new sports, really tremendous sports. Terrific new sports
  • Make a mint investing in barbed wire and tear gas. Don’t ask why. It’s illegal to ask why

Enjoy the wild ride, my less fortunate friends. We swing without safety nets in the new Great American Circus. The ground is hard and covered in spikes and if you fall, you only have yourselves to blame.